Make it stop!

When it rains, it definitely pours. One after the other. 

It was my choice - a light load this semester. Well, not much of a choice actually, considering that they’re all that’s left. I have all the time in the world. And yet, I don’t give too much of an effort to at least make my time worthwhile. And when I hear people complaining about their time, of lack thereof, and tell me how lucky I am, I just shrug and tell them how I beat myself last semester to make it through. 

Oh yes, I have always made that excuse. It’s been months since this semester started and yet I still use the “I-got-so-tired-and-burnt-out-from-last-semester” line. And I still can’t push, or even shove, myself into doing some effort. 

When the exams came, the crammer that I was, had to spend sleepless nights studying. Not because I was into the zone then. It’s because I was too stubborn to start studying early on when I had all the time in the world. I would start only the day before the exams. There is no need to guess how bad I felt after that week. Not just bad, actually, I felt guilty. And I know I would feel a whole lot worse once the results would start revealing themselves. The fruit of my non-labor. 

Sad and low that I felt, I refused to face what this is. I don’t even know what it is. I can’t just blame it on anything that I lay my eyes on, nor even to anybody who makes me feel a whole lot worse. The thing is, it’s just me.

Of course, that was just the beginning. Or perhaps, the reason why I’ve been taking the days following and the news they bring as bad and unfortunate.

I can’t be self-procalimed unfortunate if I know what brought it on, right? So I needed some intervention. I sought two friends’ listening ears. Perhaps, I just needed to say it out loud for me to listen to myself and hear how absurd I’m being. I can’t just do that alone. I would always rationalize against myself. Yes, I can be that stubborn.

It’s just a phase, they say. We went through the same thing, they say. Hearing those words made me dread the next line they would both say. But, not that long a period, they said. That confirmed it. Something is definitely wrong with me. 

Oh, and I forgot to say, after that third (and fourth) person’s intervention, it didn’t stop. More came, to my dismay. That I even refused to tear myself out of bed. Or even away from just entertaining myself online (no, I am not blaming Facebook). 

And to top the charts, a very unforgettable nonconfrontational moment.

A couple of days ago, I was driving home. It would have been just a few minutes drive were it not for the traffic brought about by the forever ongoing construction along the streets. I wasn’t moving. I had my brakes on. When suddenly, a taxi drove by so close to my side, and it hit my left fender. The thing is, it didn’t stop from the first contact. All I heard was the screech of metal to metal, and then the cries of that taxi’s tires as it stopped in the middle of the street. It was a long screech. I figured, its whole body from front to back scraped my left fender. I waited. He didn’t alight from his vehicle. And I still waited to compose myself. It was still in the middle of the street. So I drove beside him. I didn’t even rolled my window down. When I looked, the driver, together with his passengers were looking at me, shocked, or probably scared.

AND JUST BECAUSE I WASN’T IN A CONFRONTATIONAL MOOD, I just gave them a disapproving look and shook my head. After that, I just drove away.  I didn’t even bother to check the damage. When I parked home, I checked and found it was superficial, though the paint was scraped off. It was generally fine. It could be fixed by the paint job my car needs. A lot worse could have happened. I am still fortunate.

And I thought that was the last of it. But no. There was more. And I don’t want to think that it would be the last. It’s not that I yearn for more. or for something to top my car mishap. It’s just that, I don’t have to expect for something better just to get disappointed in the end.

That’s why when I pray, “Lord, make it stop. I know I deserve some of them. But please, make me strong enough to accept that fact. I know I need to help myself more. But I need you with me to get through this phase. For what have happened, I surrender everything to you.

And if this isn’t over yet anytime soon, if it’s not too much to ask, please, let me avoid any future accidents. Thank you.”